-ring ring-

"Hello?"

"Hi, this is ----"

"Oh hi, what's up? You don't normally call me."

"Yeah, well I've been meaning to ask if you wanted to hang out sometime. We haven't really talked but you've been on my mind a lot."

"Sure, I would love to."

"Then can I come pick you up around ----?"

"Pick me up? As in...?"

"A date, I guess."

"Sure! I'll see you then. Bye!"

"Looking forward to catching up. Bye."

-Kate does a happy dance-


If only...-sigh-
XP

 


Everything hurts so much right now.
I miss my great grandmother so much...

and I don't want to fight anymore.

and I want to feel useful to my family.


It just hurts.

 


I think I've been doing a pretty bad thing. 
I was looking at some old videos I took while I was in high school and of course, a lot of them had Katie in it. 
And I couldn't help but smile and laugh at all the pictures and all the good times we had, and it made me sad thinking about how we can't ever have those times again because of what happened and how we both changed.

And then I felt guilty, because I've been resenting her and I've been happy to bash her at whatever time...and does that make me the better person? No. 
I was being no better than her in that all I could think of was how I'd been wronged and I totally forgot about all the good times we had together.

Yeah, what she did and how I was treated wasn't right. But that shouldn't erase six years of happy memories. She was willing to forget all our good times together and twisted things around so it would be easier for her to hate me.

I mean, isn't it hypocritical if I say that if someday she's willing to fix things, I'm willing to start over, but yet I sit here and bash her like she bashes me?

Nope. 
Meh. It's so easy to hate people, but that doesn't make it right..

 


I really, really love my school, but I think if things don't get better at home I'm going to look into a transfer.
I'm tired of "mommy and daddy" constantly hovering over my shoulder.

 

Meh, I don't know if it's loneliness or what, but lately an thoughts of a certain person popped back into my head after a really, really long time of not even thinking about him at all.
I always considered him to be that one unattainable person that's the model of what I've always really wanted, I suppose. 
And then I heard this song, and these lyrics seemed to sum up the situation I was in earlier this year and with this person.

"And it might not make much sense
To you or any of my friends
Though somehow still you affect the 
Things I do.
And you can't lose what you never had
I don't understand why I feel sad
Every time I see you out with someone new."

Yeah. I mean, summarizes it perfectly. Not that I'm pining or anything, but I would really like to see this person again. I feel that I've changed a lot and that if I got a second chance, at least I wouldn't just sit there and do nothing. Kind of one of those "what if" situations. Meh. Just pondering.

 



Okay, so I find it really, really sad that a certain individual still rants about me. Really?
It's almost laughable. And I really don't care. 
And it is kind of pathetic that she lives hundreds of miles away and still won't shut up about it. I've moved on. 
I'm in college having a good time and making new friends. And hey, my old friends still actually like me. Wowww.
I know right, my life just sucks and I'm getting what I deserve for "totally ruining her life."

 


You know, my mom always told me "college changes people." I always believed her, but at the same time I hung on to the thought that maybe things wouldn't change. Kind of like hanging onto believing in Santa Clause. Today I got my first taste of change, I suppose. Two of my close friends, who'd been dating for quite sometime, broke up. To summarize, one friend was interested in someone else. It was really disconcerting to me, because I'd always imagined them together forever. They seemed like two people who just completed each other (as cliche as that sounds); and even though their relationship was unorthodox, per se, I looked to them as proof that love did exist. And now, only about six weeks after they went off to college, they're over. 
One of my friends is heartbroken. I've never seen her hurting so much. 

My fear is that college does this to everyone. That people go through a loss and end up being hurt. That things you thought were forever only last for a short time. I do honestly feel that everything in life has a season. But some last longer than others, and I hope that there are some relationships and things that I cherish now that will last my whole life. To think that not one thing I treasure now will last until the end of my life...it's just a terrible idea to consider. I hope it's not the case. 

Is life really what you make it? I've always believed that. I struggled for a really long time with remaining in Memphis for college because it's always been my dream to be independent far off on my own. I watched my friends go off to other states and felt myself burn with envy. They were on their own! Having new experiences! And I was still in Memphis, Tennessee.

But now I feel content, for the most part. I think I could've done better, made better grades in high school and gotten more scholarship money to places I applied to. But I don't think I made a bad choice to go to U of M. The campus is pleasant, the people are interesting and friendly, and I feel I'm getting a solid education.

I also get to spend at least one more year with people I love. I miss those who moved away, very much. But right now I have the opportunity to connect with people I never took the time to before. Or to reconnect. I never thought in a million years my friend josh and I would ever be as close as we were in middle school. But now we are. I feel like he is one of my best friends again.

There is some friend drama going on...but I think that's already been previously covered. >> But the problems I have now are solvable. I feel I can work through them. There is actually very little drama going on in my life except for one situation. And it feels so good. My high school years will filled with never-ending drama. Even when it wasn't mine, I somehow got sucked into it. 
But now that drama is hundreds of miles away (metaphorically and literally. -coughcough-)

Anyway, that's it for the night. I'm going to try to get some sleep. I hope. 

 



Now that I think about it, you really don't have an excuse.


It would be reeeeally nice if you called me once in a while. Or if that's just WAY to hard for you, it would be happy if you skyped me. 
Is it that difficult to make a little effort?


Why should I do all the work and receive no effort in return?

Yeah yeah, approaching people is "not in your personality." Bullshit. 
This seems horribly lopsided to me. 

 
I feel like I need a date of some sort. Not even anything serious. Like...I don't really like anyone in particular other than him.
But I really am pretty freaking lonely. 
Tonight I went to a football game with one of my friends, and he smelled sooooo good. Just that nice, clean boy smell. And I had the urge to cuddle. One of my favorite feelings is that safe, cozy feeling you get when you have your face pressed up against a boy's chest and his arms are around you and he smells so good...

A little rebound action?
Hardly.
I wish I could just snuggle and not have any strings attached. But It would be really difficult to do something like that and not have feelings develop from one of the parties. And that leads into a whole new set of complications.
I would hate to call it friends with benefits, but that's pretty much what it would be, it just wouldn't be sexual. 

I just want snuggles sooooo bad. ;-;

 



I think...if by winter break the way I feel hasn't changed...I'm going to seriously reconsider my decision. That is, if it isn't a lost cause by then. 
Meh. 

 


I feel relieved that school finally started. It's helping in just the way I thought it would...
I was starting to feel like my world would never expand beyond my bedroom, that I would never really make anything of myself this year. I was starting to feel stuck in a rut, mired by all my emotions. 

Even though it is only my third day of school, I feel content the moment I step on campus. Once I walk past the outlying construction for new buildings, there are pretty walkways, clusters of trees, people chatting on benches, and buildings that range from the shiny and new to dilapidated in a charming way. Even though the majority of my classes are core classes, I feel like I'm finally learning something that really, really matters to me. Everything I learn result in me receiving that diploma that will allow me to make a career out of the one thing I'm most passionate about.

I also enjoy the people. Here and there you see the lingering social hierarchies of high school, but for the most part people are friendly and don't mind talking to a person they might randomly meet. And I have friends here, from high school and middle school. It's very comforting and I feel I have the opportunity to nurture friendships I may not have tended to very well in the past. 

As far as my relationship troubles, I am not going to say anything for certain. From our conversations, although neither of us have said it out loud, it's obvious we both care for each other. Whether I've fully let go or not, I have no idea. I think I will only know when I start liking/dating another person, or after I see him again during winter break when I can see him and person and judge my feelings off that. It is still very difficult to deal with...but school definitely distracts me enough to where I don't allow my feelings to overtake my life. 
But what can I say, first loves are difficult to get over. 

 Today I am officially adjourning the pity party I decided to throw for myself these past few weeks.

I woke up this morning to a quiet, peaceful house. The sun was shining, there was a breeze blowing, and everything felt calm. And I thought, "I am so lucky." I live in a good neighborhood, I have a family who loves me, I have my own room, I have more than enough money to survive (even though it feels like I don't sometimes!!), a fridge full of food, great friends...

Everyone has their troubles, but there are people out there who suffer substantially more than me.

And then I thought...each person has their own share of troubles. But no matter if your troubles are as deep as the ocean or shallow as a puddle, you can drown in either if you let yourself get mired in it. 
So I think I should stop laying face down in my puddle and do something for myself.

 

I think I forgot for a moment the value of a fun girl's night. There is no better picker-upper than watching classic romance movies, eating junk food, and giggling over fictitious (but albeit devilishly handsome) men. 
And happily, I get to have two girl's nights in a row. I watched movies tonight with my friend Aubree, and tomorrow after a dinner at home with some guests, my friend Kelsey is going to sleep over.

Not that I don't adore all of my male friends and I enjoy every minute spent with them...but it's really nice to be able to talk with people that function on the exact same wavelength as you. For instance, while I do find them amusing, some nights I would much rather prefer to watch a sappy romantic comedy than spend several hours watching videos on youtube and downing a variety of caffeinated beverages. It's nice to talk about boys rather than have to give advice about girls. And it's nice to just hang out in a girl's room. 

Ah, I really needed this. I feel like it was a brief calm in the waves of emotion I've been riding recently.

 Well, I thought my tear ducts could no longer function, but apparently they still can. Quite well.


God, I am being so emo and I hate it.

 
I really hope that once school starts, things will begin looking up for.
To summarize my life at the moment:

Even though you would think I would be a bit more careful after losing one best friend, I've probably gone and pissed off my other best friend--although it's not like was speaking to me anyway because his whole world revolves around his girlfriend now...I feel sad because many of my friends are going off to college, and bitter because I have to listen to them talk about their new dorms while I am stuck at home. I wish I could get out of my house, but I am not under my family's insurance yet so I can't legally drive even though I have an unrestricted license. Even so, my family can't afford a car for me to use. Because of all this, I feel constantly melancholy unless I am out somewhere with my friends (although even then a good mood is not a guarantee). My parents make me feel irrittated; I spend most of the day holed up in my room in front of my laptop, because at least then I can pretend I am somewhere else where there are no problems. I stay up until all hours of the night and end up raiding the fridge to eat whatever I have a craving for. I'm riding a rollercoaster where I have ups and downs of being perfectly fine with my singleness to feeling perfectly miserable and missing my ex-boyfriend. On top of everything, I know i have to get a job...but I feel completely unmotivated...my parents don't stop bothering me about it, and instead of getting one to shut them up, I do nothing just to annoy the crap out of them. But I have school fees, and I have to pay off half of my Russia trip. There is a chance of me getting a $100 a week job at my church, but that "may or may not happen."

I feel like such a mess right now. I hope things get better. I really hope they do. Everything is just piling up and I wish there was one amazingly good thing to counter all of it.

 


Sometimes I envision my best friend and I walking down a path...I've got one hand...and she's got the other. Sometimes I feel like I keep losing grip, and he does nothing to fix it.

It's a somewhat depressing thought.

Maybe I am just afraid of losing people. I've already lost two people very important to me. I mean, I'm coping with that pretty well...but it doesn't lessen my fear that just around the corner I'll have to let someone else go or that another person won't want me anymore.

I'm really scared it's only a matter of time that he won't want me anymore.

 

I think the busier I stay, the easier things will be. My task for tomorrow will be cleaning out crap from my desk and closet, as well as comparing prices for cameras and compiling a list of places to apply for employment. 

Tuesday I'll be at the zoo all day with my friend Aaron...possibly seeing my other friend Ben in the evening since he just got back in town.

No idea what I'll do for the rest of the week.

 

I suddenly feel really lonely.
I know that my reasoning in ending things now instead of carrying things on until the day he left was so that we wouldn't have to go through the difficult separation stage while he was transitioning to college because that's such an important time for him.

But the selfish side of me wants to get as much in as I can before he goes hundreds of miles away where he won't have to worry about me being around to remind me him of things and to ask anything of him again.

I just have to keep reminding myself ."It's over. You know you made the right choice. Don't be stupid by giving in and wanting things you can't have. It's over. It's over. It's over. OVER."

But Dammit...I just wish I could be selfish for just a little bit and get to be kissed and held just one more time. Then he would go far away to school and I would not have to even think about wanting these things because he wouldn't be there to give them. 

When I was thinking about the breakup before it actually happened and I thought about how it will be hard and that the first thing I would want to do is run back to him, I was definitely right in thinking that.

This really sucks. 

 


I guess no person can really get over a break-up that quickly. I mean, I thought I was fine. As fine as any person could be after one. Generally speaking, i do feel pretty positive after everything that happened and I'm glad that I didn't lose a friend in the process.
I mean, we even had an enjoyable conversation on skype this afternoon.

But I guess just because we talked after without actually seeing each other, we could act like nothing really happened and just feel at ease. But when I saw him tonight, it really started to sink in when I realized that I couldn't just go up to him and be clingy and get my hand held or my back rubbed. It really sucked and made me act really needy towards my friends as the evening progressed, I'm afraid. 

It will be hard getting used to not having affection.

I've also been concerned lately about my best friend. He just got a girlfriend and they are in a long-distance relationship. I know it must be hard to have to comfort me when my problem is about not being able to have a long-distance relationship. And he's had to sit there and listen while one of my other friends advised me that long-distance relationships rarely work.  I've also had trouble not sounding like I feel jealous or bitter because my own relationship didn't work out. I understand that he cares about her a lot and that it takes a lot of time and effort to uphold a long-distance relationship. However...I feel very scared that she is going to replace me. I've never had to share him with anyone before. And he's the kind of person that, while I know he cares for me and is very protective of me, he doesn't show it often. So when he spends so much time paying attention to her, and I don't get any affirmation that he still cares about me, I get very nervous.

When he came over with one of my other best friends to comfort me one night, he got on the phone with her for at least an hour and a half. At the time I seemed okay because they were making me laugh, but my feelings were very hurt that I couldn't feel like he was there 100% when I really needed him. I told him all this later, and he apologized because he didn't realize he was doing it (which was what I suspected). And even though I know he would not intentionally ignore me, I still feel scared.

I'm deathly afraid of losing yet another person important to me. I'm not sure I would be able to handle it. And because he has a girlfriend now, all the rules have changed. Especially since it's not like we are both dating someone, so it is obvious to all the parties that there are no romantic sparks between us. When you have one taken friend and the other side is single, things get messy. I'm not sure what I'm allowed to do as far as hugging and such goes anymore. I mean, at the party, I wanted to lean on his shoulder, but I wasn't sure if that was okay. So I had to put a pillow as a buffer zone between us.


Bleh. Just bleh to everything. 

I am in a conundrum. Blarghhhhfkfjslfsjlkrsfsfgrrfffffll.